Comfortable, Being Uncomfortable

First, things first…

I am ok. I am healthy and safe. I apologize for going MIA. I really didn’t plan on taking such a long hiatus. The thing is, I’ve always been a very private person. I’ve never been one to post elaborate Facebook statuses or even give updates when things happen in my life. I usually leave that to my mother, the “Facebook Queen.” Coupled with the fact that I’m not much of a sharer, the first quarter of my Watson year included the some of the most unorthodox and unintelligible moments of my life. I couldn’t write about what was happening in any productive way because things were moving way to fast in the first three months to make sense of it all.

Trust me I tried. I spent hours sitting in front of this computer trying to put what was going on, both around me and in my head, on to paper. The first quarter of my journey kind of reminds me of freshmen year of college; it was a blur. You haven’t learned the game yet and even those that appear to be keeping up are just going with the flow. Every class is a new adventure and it feels like your LIFE depends on each and every paper. Before every game, I would try to think back to what socks, and undershirt I wore that one day of practice I couldn’t miss. Every little decision matter because there was no way to avoid the thought that there is a “right way” to do things in this new world. I felt as if I had no control because I hadn't figured it out yet. It was a weird state that didn't allow for any sense comfort.

The Watson is really no difference… except for the fact that there is no freshmen orientation, no syllabi, no schedule to abide by, no practices, coaches or professors. I guess I have 39 teammates (the other Watson Fellows), but I don’t know any of them. I would tell myself this period was just a rude awakening. My whole life I heard "what 'till you get in the real world." But it wasn't just that. I know the “real world” people had in mind was one in which the overwhelming majority of people would speak the same language as me, have the same mannerisms, or at the very least would nod their heads up and down when saying “yes.” The world that I jumped into seemed to be everything, but “real.” In the midst of total disorientation with virtually no grasp on the world around me, the only thing that seemed to be a beacon of stability was the project that I had proposed to commit this year too. It's funny when you think about it. A project that is still lacking any way of truly measuring its success, was my only way to feel as if I wasn’t doing things wrong. Basically, nothing felt right.

But now the first quarter of the year is over. Its round two and I can honestly say things are starting to slow down. The world and my life are starting to make sense again. Things are starting to seem a little more real and even though I haven’t figured it out yet, I’m getting real comfortable with being uncomfortable.

Over the next few weeks, I will be posting on what I feel were the most pertinent experiences, transitions, and realizations I’ve had over the past three months. I hope that what I write will be easily understood and I’m sure that many will relate in one way or another. Please do not hesitate to send me comments and questions! See you soon (for real this time)!